while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize