I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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