why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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