shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
God I need to hump something, right now.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
