He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
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woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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