Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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