i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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