Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
