her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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