Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Let's paint friendship bongs
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Randomize
