Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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