mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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