peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
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So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
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The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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