Swine flu is the new snow day.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
