I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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