I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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