i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
