My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
