I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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