They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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