She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
