i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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