Your face is a jimmy john
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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