Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
