They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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