if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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