hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
