yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
