I feel great
I just peed on a car
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
