You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
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somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
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Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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