Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
