Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
