First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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