I heard we made out
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
