saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
as a side note pls kill me
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
