I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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