i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
