I'm gonna have a badass scar
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
