booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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