How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
