I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
