I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.