I'm going to jail i love you
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
