I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
