I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
