Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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