he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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