I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
