i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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