Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
