Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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