I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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