How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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