I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
