She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
